Good Listening: What is it and how can it help me?
Whenever you go into a meeting at work, you hope that if you have to speak up, your thoughts will be listened to. Also, you secretely want your boss to acknowledge that your idea has saved the company. And the world while we are at it.
But to be completely honest, most of the time it does not go to plan as no one seems to listen to anyone else but themselves.
The meeting becomes a jungle where different sounds come from everywhere and no one cares about what the other has voiced out. Mind you, I believe that in the jungle, they might actually have a real conversation. We, humans, just did not figure it out yet.
Do you want to know when the worst situation happens? When it is YOU who is not listening to others. Ouch… the ego is hurt a little there!
I admit it, I went through different phases for myself on the listening part. When I started working I was so unsure about everyhting , I did not even believe I had a voice. Being an introvert on top of that and someone who avoids confrontation and conflict as much as possible, it was quite hard for me to actually make myself heard.
Then, a second phase came when suddenly I realized that I am soooo much smarter than the others that I can dismiss from the start what my colleagues or boss said, being stuck on my own brilliant thinking. Then my confidence dropped when I asked for a change of responsibilities at work and it was refused to me so I stopped giving ideas out of spite, but it did give me some room to listen again. And then again the rollercoster took over when I changed jobs and found out again that no one really understands what they are actually doing.And it has been a little like that over time.
But as I grew up professionnally, the more confident I got, the more good at listening I became, despite having some up and downs along the road. I think that at some point I understood that knowing something is better than being in the dark and, to know something, you have to let the others speak. And even that is not enough, you should actually hear them!
And with all the above in mind, I cannot keep wondering: what makes a good listener and how can I become one? Will it solve all my problems? (probably not, but you know: wishful thinking…)
What makes a good listener?
Let’s take some definitions with some help of Saint Google, the father of discoveries and findings and cats all over the internet:
“Someone who listens carefully, attentively, and sympathetically, typically imparting support and understanding to the speaker.”
“Someone who gives you a lot of attention when you are talking about your problems or things that worry you, and tries to understand and support you”
“Someone who listens carefully and sympathetically to other people.”
Giving attention, support and understanding are key words here from what I can see. When browsing through articles, this comes up a lot.
Overall, if you actually let the others talk and take in what they are saying, process it to understand the feelings, and identify ways to support them then you are all good to go!
Simple formula, really! But not easy to apply, is it?
So many things get in the way, usually our own selves.
I like to be listened to because it shows that my opinion matters and even more when the person in front of me agrees, encourages me or says I’m right (hell yeah! I want to be right!!).
But that’s the trap: wanting to be always right,we find ways of deceiving ourselves. We invent stories where we think taht if someone disagrees or does not express the same view, they are wrong so we need to keep talking to convince them.
This technique has never worked out for me. The ironic part is that I still do it sometimes and I add some decibels as well till no one can actually hear anything of what I’m saying. Not once someone turned to me in that moment and told me “You know what? Listening to you scream the same thing over and over again has convinced me right here, right now! You are the queen of opinions and you are right!”. Weird, isn’t it? I could have sworn it is the infaillable tool.
And how many times were you talking about the same things, but not actually giving the right attention to what is being said because we were sidelined about what we want to say we just kept on fighting over an unecessary debate?
So yes, listening without interrupting, giving the attention that the speaker needs and understanding what is being said is a complicated process. I would say that we do not take the time to actually analyse and make sure we comprehend what the other is saying. Silence is key. Just staying silent and thinking about what is being said. And when silence does not help, then a question can do the trick.
If you feel that you do not understand and that you are not understood, then maybe ask questions to get to the why.
A good listener is the one that gets the point of view of others. Even when he does not agree. We can understand others without being on their side. And it’s totally fine.
What does good listening do for you at work
So now let’s go back to the office, or the construction site, or in the hospital, the circus, or wherever you work.
Think about a past situation where you felt that the listening part did not work out.
Maybe it was when your boss did not even take into account your advice of doing the things properly because he was so sure of himself that he felt no one else could provide him better solutions. You felt frustration because you knew he was doing the wrong thing and built up some anger towards your manager. The project was set back by 3 months and you got all the blame anyway.
Maybe it was that time that John, from the Finance department, kept repeating the same phrase all over again everytime you raised up some concerns about the new project. You felt annoyed that John did not even choose to acknowledge anything you were saying and started to b*tch about him during coffee breaks with your colleagues.
Maybe it was when your employee tried explaining that the business executive did not provide any presentation beforehand, but you kept taking the executive’s side on this because he is some big head at the company. Your employee felt betrayed and stopped doing the good work he provided until now and the business executive was still not happy about anything you did anyway.
And the list can be infinite.
But now let’s take the situation and imagine how it would have gone if some good listening would have happened.
If your boss would have heard you and listened to your good advice, he would have gained a loyal employee and managed correctly the project. Everyone would have just congratulated the team for the excellent delivery and it would have been the success story of the company.
If John would have started to listen to your concerns and analysed it from his perspective, he would have provided some additional financial solutions to help minimize the risks and you would have saved the company some money. Feeling that your opinion matters to someone in another department you would have started interacting with John more to get his opinion on the financial matters and your own work would have been even better.
And if you, as the manager, have listened to what your N-1 was saying you would have understood that you face a difficult business executive who rejects any responsibility and finds way to undermine staff for his own mistakes. You would have defended your employee and together you would have designed diplomatic ways to prevent such situations happen without directly offending the executive.
I think that looking at past events and defining a what-if scenario will not solve the initial problem, but it will definetly increase awarness of situations when you or the others were not listening. This will help in the future identify such cases and will help you try techniques for the listening part to become better.
At work (and in life in general) good listening helps move mountains and avoids unnecessary conflicts and struggles along the way.
Finding the way to understand the meaning behind other’s words will improve relationships, communication and work practices. Good listening will also make you read between the lines and understand political context in the workplace, which will help you strategize better and define an action plan to get the role you want.
Besides all that, you will become a better person and professional, who will be a reliable aly and be respected for your ability to comprehend what is going all around you.
How to improve/Exercises
There are so many ways you can improve, but I prepared a small cheat sheet for this below based on my experience and different articles I have ingurgitated along the way.
Develop active listening skills
Find a partner in crime and try an exercise where they launch a random topic and you have to keep the flow going for five minutes straight.
All along the way you should encourage your partner to tell you more. You are not allowed to add anything related to yourself to the conversation.
At the end of the five minutes, repeat what has been said in your own words and if your partner agrees then you switch roles. If not, your partner will re-explain the topic.
Try to see how it feels when you or your partner gets the thing right straight away instead of having to re-explain everything.
Develop your concentration skills
Try defining periods of time where you will not use the phone, your computer or scribble down anything on a piece of paper and just look at the person who is talking and try to concentrate on what the person is saying.
For example:
Go to lunch and turn off all your phones/tablets and just concentrate on the conversation going around the table. Set up a rule that if anyone touches their phone (without a valid reason such as en emergency) they will have to pay the entire tab. And actually implement it.
During certain meetings, ask everyone to close off their laptops and turn off their phones and discuss issues without being distracted by Teams, Slack or an email notification. At the end try to resume what information has been heard and if there is something incorrect, then take note to be more aware the next time.
Don’t assume things
This one is hard. Assuming stuff is part of our nature and our brain is always 10 steps ahead of us in this matter.
Exercise identifying assumptions you make that were never actually agreed upon with your interlocutor beforehand. Everytime you identify an assumption, note it down and when the person speaking has finished his talk ask him to confirm if your assumptions were right.
The more you do this, the more you are aware of the biases you bring to the table even before actually listening. Add the more awareness you have about this, the less it will affect your judgement and understanding of what is being said.
Be more empathetic
Empathy can go a long way. Putting ourselves in others shoes is great way to actually listen and understand.
The exercise would be to take someone you do not like from work or family or neighbours etc and try to imagine excuses for the behaviour or actions they did that you do not approve of.
Example:
I had once a colleague who constantly spoke behind the back of others and it was never nice things. My dislike of him was on the verge of hating.
So I tried to imagine what is making him do that. I thought that maybe he was under stres from his boss or his colleagues to deliver results, or maybe his colleagues never actually invited him to lunch when he started working there, or he was constantly getting additional work because he did not have kids etc And imaging all this, I told myself to be more tolerant towards his behaviour without actually agreeing to it. It also gave me the courage to voice my dissapproval to him directly when the situation got blown out of proportion. All this led for him to change part of his behaviour and explaining his reason behind it: he was constantly put under pressure for even the smallest of things and talking bad about these people that did that to him was a way for him to feel better about his worth. It’s not excusable, but it is understandable and it is a first step to find solutions. And even if we did not become friends, I found some form of respect towards his acceptance of his own flaws and he respected me for my honesty he did not get from others.
So get out there, speak up when you have to, but do not forget to lend an understanding ear and hear out what others have to say. Great ideas can only be stirred when we are silent and are listening carefully what the world has to say.
Additional Resources:
https://hbr.org/2016/07/what-great-listeners-actually-do
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/habits-of-good-listeners_n_5668590
https://www.nytimes.com/guides/smarterliving/be-a-better-listener
